He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
