she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
