Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
