you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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