This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
