Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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