I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
