I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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