Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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