I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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