My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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