just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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