I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
