i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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