Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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