Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
