weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
