i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
two words: eviction party
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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