im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
