Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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