life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
