so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
