I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
