smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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