i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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