she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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