If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
