Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
