If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
