i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
