He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
