If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
