the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
