1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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