P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
