Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
