Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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