If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
