Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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