I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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