i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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