you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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