I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
