I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
