did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
