Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
