About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
