What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
