college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
