It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
